EMDR update

For those of you who have read last week's post about my EMDR, here is this week's update. I went in for my weekly EMDR session this morning and wanted to share my experience again.

I went in today not feeling too hot-I had run five miles the day before after being on hiatus for quite some time and was still quite sore and tired from it, due to the fact that it had been a while since I did it. So therefore, the fatigue and soreness was causing me to feel some negativity and irritability.  However, today's session was once again extremely positive and uplifting.  
We started out with the usual "target," which was my first grade shame. At first I actually felt the feeling of immense sadness-and the thought that I had hurt people. I had the feeling that I didn't want to hurt people anymore. As we progressed through, the thought of the teacher throwing me into the corner and turning me to face the wall saying "no one wants to see you" came to mind...and I actually laughed. You read that right. I laughed. I imagined myself punching her in the face and laughing. I told the practitioner that I had this feeling of amusement, and she said to take note of that.
The thoughts of my first grade trauma didn't last. Instead, for the rest of the time, I thought of trauma that I had had at a school after that. I was taken out of school after second grade and was home schooled for several years after that before attending a school newly opened by an attorney my parents had hired. I suffered shame and trauma at that school as well, and blamed the teachers, as they saw and heard it with their own eyes and ears and did nothing to stop it-excuses were made for the perpetrators and I would be scolded and reprimanded if I would attempt to stand up for myself. I blamed one "teacher" (few were licensed teachers-more like babysitters) in particular. During much of today's session I had thoughts of this particular teacher. I had a mixed range of emotions coming up, mixed with amusement and aggression-ranging from "he deserved to be hit" "he was so goddamn pathetic it's actually funny" and was giggling again thinking that, because, as I said, my thoughts were that he was so pathetic and spineless it was really funny. However, they were also mixed with thoughts of "I shouldn't be so harsh with these thoughts." FYI: looking back, this "teacher" had obviously been traumatized himself-it's not my place to make assumptions set in stone, nor am I going into any details-just know that thinking about it today, we do have a slight idea of what POSSIBLY could have occurred in his earlier life.
That's when I had another vision-like last week's contact with the goddess Morrigan! This time, not only was it Morrigan, but my beautiful ancestor, Queen Maeve of Connaught as well. ('Live Maeve, we command you!') 
I saw them standing together, and had the feeling that I was being restrained-gently, yet firmly. And then I heard a voice say something. I'm sorry to say that I actually don't remember what exactly the voice told me, but I will say that it was something along the lines of "You must not be so harsh with your thoughts." What's interesting is that the practitioner and I had actually had a conversation-that being aggressive and mean does not equal strength and power. Could that have been why the goddess and my ancestor appeared to me during today's session? Morrigan is a powerful war goddess. Maeve was a very powerful warrior queen. Yet, I got the message from them that I should let off with these harsh thoughts against that one teacher-not seek revenge or hold a grudge. As I noted before, he obviously suffered trauma himself. Another question I've had-could I subconsciously have been re-directing my thoughts toward my abusive first grade teacher toward this other teacher? It would somewhat make sense-being that naturally I remember my experiences at that school way better than I do first grade! 
For much of the session, I was giggling and walked out again with an overall sense of euphoria-even stronger than last week's feeling of euphoria! And when I started the session feeling irritable and everything! My practitioner says that this is a VERY GOOD SIGN! It means that the "target" is being transmuted-and soon we can probably move onto other "targets!" I'm very excited to see where this can end up taking me!