You go, Britney!

 This morning I read an incredibly long esoteric post on Britney Spears, that OMFG, left me reeling (in a good way) and totally hit me straight in the feels. I haven't really been following her story, but I've heard bits and pieces of it, and you know what, I can totally see so much of myself in her now-from a formerly strong, passionate young girl, to sweet and submissive, and finally, after years of being forced to be something that she's not in order to please others, back to an incredibly powerful, fierce person-this time a grown woman, damaged, but rises back into her strength and power. By the time that I was done reading this incredibly long but worth reading post, I was totally "yeeesssssss queen, YOU KICK THEIR ASS GIRL!"

When I was small, I remember how I would make fun of my several friends who would idolize Britney Spears (sort of how I'd be laughed at for listening to country.) But now, the joke's more or less on me-as I've now begun to, in a way, idolize her myself. Seriously. I don't want to sound creepy or stalker-ish (I don't mean that I'm attracted her in *that* way-maybe a better word would be "respect") but now I almost feel some sort of a kinship to the very woman that I used to laugh at. I know that we've all seen my posts about how it's "spooky" that I was put here at the same time as others. In many ways, Britney Spears is totally me. I was an incredibly strong-willed, assertive child. My first full sentence (spoken a week before my first birthday?) "I CAN DO IT MYSELF," spat, growled even, out in a way that you just don't hear most not-even-one-year-olds speaking. Then my elementary school trauma happened...and I broke. I became "Giggles" (if you don't laugh, you'll cry.)

It was also mentioned in this writing how her voice "regressed." Watching footage of her singing as a young child, her voice was very fierce and powerful. As she grew older, however, it turned squeaky and timid-not just when she was singing, but when she was speaking as well. This was an interesting way to put it. I remember how my voice in the Giggles days was very soft and "little girlish"-when I hear my "true voice" today, I realize how strong, even guttural (you can hear a lot of my Massachusetts heritage in my voice, to the point where I'm often told that I have a strong accent) that I sound.

I get that Britney all of these years, never knew how to say what she truly wanted. Sort of like how I never told the truth about myself in the "Giggles" days when I would be asked what I wanted to do once out of school and I'd softly say "um...I don't know...maybe work with animals?" Of course I always said what I knew that people expected to hear me say. The truth was, I wanted to go straight into the Army or the Marines. Not only that, I aspired to be one of the first females in a combat role. I then planned to go into the fire service once out, being the first female in my family to do so. I had wanted both for years. But all this time that I was being abused for being a "sissy cowardly girl," how could I say it?

Apparently Britney's trauma began at around the age of twelve or so. After she was done belting out a song in her powerful, deep voice, Ed McMahon walked up to her, leaned in close to her and said softly "you're so pretty...do you have a boyfriend?" And that is when her "grooming" began.

Control. It's all about control. Britney Spears and I both allowed each other to be controlled after trauma took away our "true selves." We spent years being forced to be something that we're not-until we were able to wrestle back our powerful, true selves. She now refuses to be controlled-and so do I. She has come out as "incredibly angry" and this is where I become "you fucking GO, girl!" because I can so totally relate. Spending all this time pretending that we're happy and content...when bullshit we are. Again, why was I called "Giggles?" Because if you don't laugh, YOU'LL CRY. All those days that I'd sit in class smiling meekly, being the scapegoat that they wanted, and then cry myself to sleep every night. And I will admit, at the end of the Giggles days, had I had access to a gun, I *would* have brought it to school.

Okay...hopefully you've held out this long. Overall, I am so glad that Britney Spears had gotten her powerful voice back-just like I eventually did. There is nothing like a powerful female-and sometimes it takes "snapping," to get the message across.