EMDR

For the past several weeks, I have been going in for EMDR sessions to get over my past trauma. For those of you not familiar with EMDR, it is basically holding two vibrating tappers in each hand. The tappers pulse back and forth, and the therapist has you recall a disturbing memory. As the time goes by, you may feel a range of emotions, some of which may be quite painful. But hang in there! Much of it has helped me greatly.
I wanted to share my session that I had today as I had an amazing revelation and also some powerful experiences.
A few years ago, I had to drop out of Columbus State's Firefighter 1 & 2 program due to several issues that I had. My instructors and battalion chief, however, were very understanding...and wanted me back in the program once I'd gotten help. During my session I had an amazing revelation of what may have been the underlying cause of my problems forcing me to drop out.
At a school some years back, I was severely emotionally abused...for the crime of being female. I mean, I had death threats directed toward me and everything. What's worse, the teachers saw and heard it with their own eyes and ears and did nothing to stop it. If I would attempt to stand up for myself, I would be scolded and reprimanded. Worst of all, my true desire was to join the Army after graduating and then go into the fire service once I was out. Both the military and firefighting, of course, are considered mainly "male" occupations.
It's like a lightbulb went off in my head. No way! Could it be...?
"I'm weak. I'm a sissy. I don't deserve anything because I'm a girl. I deserved to be abused because I'm a girl."
The underlying, subconscious thought that I had all along while in the fire academy was, "I'll never make it in the fire service because I'm such a weak, sissy girl. I don't deserve to follow my dreams."
I told this to my therapist once we "checked in" and she said, "Let's change the thought to 'I'm stronger than people give me credit for BECAUSE I'm a girl."
We stayed on that thought...and gradually the thoughts became more positive. Toward the end of session, I had an amazing spiritual experience...a vision of Queen Maeve of Connaught. I instantly had the fleeting thought "You are of my kin." It was her speaking to me. Maeve's stronghold was in County Roscommon...which just happens to be the birthplace of my great-grandmother. I still have family there as a matter of fact.
Maeve was a warrior queen...a very strong woman. I told this to my therapist this, and she was amazed. She said that I'm beginning to make connections...very positive connections. Also, how much she (Maeve) looked like me was actually scary (in a good way.)
Overall this was an amazing experience and I really believe we're starting to get onto things. Also? I am certainly going to be at least certified as a volunteer firefighter, and an EMT-B.